Wake Up, You're Alive
by Zaira Angel
Summary: Reid wakes up in the hospital not sure what entirety is going on, can he open up and let the team help him or will he shut them out again? Rated M for possible sex/violence/language. Morgen/Reid Reid/OMC TW:Suicide, selfharm, drug use, abuse, violence, noncon(possible)
1. Chapter 1

Reid's eyes fluttered open slightly but the brightness took him by surprise. He caught glimpses of white tiled ceiling and walls. And even as his eyes adjusted he found it difficult to keep his eyes open at all. He could hear chatter and beeping. Familiar sounds, but he couldn't seem to sync his thoughts and his senses.

"Reid?" he heard a familiar voice ask "Reid, are you awake?" After a moment of processing he relized who the voice belonged to. "Hotch?" Reid was surprised how quiet his voice was. He sounded like he was whispering, but he wasn't meaning to. His voice sounded rough and hoarse. "I'm here." Hotch said reassuringly "You're in the hospital, you're safe." The pieces fell in place. The unsub. He must have done something to him. "The unsub," Reid started. Hotch cocked his head. "Unsub?" He repeated. "Yes, Tomas Morter," Reid swallowed hard "Is he in custody?" Hotch didn't answer for a moment. "Reid," He began "That was two weeks ago."

Two week? How? Has he been in the hospital that long. "Wait, how long-" Reid turned to look at Hotch, the harsh light still too much for his sensitive eyes "how l-long have I..." Hotch reached out and gave his hand a reassuring pat. "You've been here four days, you've been pretty out of it," He looked Reid up and down "You still don't remember?" Reid just turned his head to the ceiling and shook his head. Hotch had been through this at least 3 times a day for the last four days. But he'd do it again if that's what he had to do. "Reid," He even more stoically then usually, if that was possible "You're in the hospital because you tried to kill yourself."

The words hung in the air for a moment. "This is the part where you ask me why." Hotch said. That had been the routine for the past three days. Hotch would tell Reid he tried to kill himself, Reid would ask why, Hotch would say he didn't know. The other team members came to see him everyday. Each of them spending hours talking with him. Sometimes Reid would talk, sometimes he was distant, most of the time he just asked why he couldn't leave, insisting he wasn't sick and that he wanted to go home. And that's when on of them tried to explain to him what happened. But not this time. "Do you remember now?" Hotch asked. Reid didn't speak. He just tried to remember. His eyes where finally adjusting and he lifted his hand to see the the bruise from the IV down his arm. Suddenly Reid saw and remembered all the angry red gashes and scars that littered his arm, and tried to cover them. "Don't bother," Hotch spat. It came out so much colder then he meant it to "we've seen them." He tried to soften his tone not wanting Reid to be ashamed. But he couldn't help but be a little angry with him. He was in so much pain and he never said. _We could have helped, he knew we where all there for him_, Hotch thought, a_nd he still hid even after I asked him over and over what he was feeling. _

"God," Reid whimpered "God, Hotch, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." Tears ran down his face. It took Hotch back, he never saw Reid break down like this. Reid also rarely swore. It wasn't Reid who needed to apologize. This wasn't anyone's fault. Not really. Rationally, Hotch knew this. But it was hard not to want to blame someone for this. He wanted to scream and cry. He wanted Reid to explain. He wanted to know why he refused to ask for help, but he knew better. Hotch never asked for help, no matter how many times he needed to. Morgen, Emily, JJ. They never asked for help. Elle killed a man and still refused help. Gideon left without telling anyone, just leaving a letter for Reid to find. Penelope, she was the one who asked for help when she needed it. And she was an unending source of love and support for the other team members. But in the course of playing the supportive mother hen role, she sometimes forgot about herself. And that started to show last time she was here to visit. Her outfits where less colorful, she didn't bother applying makeup and dark circles carved deeply into her pale face. He had told Morgan to stay with her, keep an eye on her. Morgen and Hotch had been taking turns staying with Reid. Hoping that when Reid's head cleared he would talk to one of them. Or at least so he wouldn't be alone.

"Reid," Hotch started again keeping his voice kind and gentle "Don't be sorry, it's okay. We'll get you through this." Reid quickly wiped away the tears with his hand, he wasn't done crying, but he strengenthed a bit of composure and looked at Hotch. "No," he swallowed hard as his eyes began to well again "I'm sorry." He looked back to the ceiling and the tears continued. And that's when Hotch realized he wasn't apologizing for tying to kill himself, he was apologizing for surviving. The realization just turned the knife and Hotch desperately wanted to say something, to comfort Reid. But he instead he just sat there and watched his friend cry. Reid tried wiping the tears away but the came faster then he could wipe. As Reid's mind began to clear and organize, he started to remember what happened.

"It's okay to cry, kid." Another familiar voice came from the door. "I get it." Morgen stepped in. He gave Reid's shoulder a squeeze. "I don't think you've cried once since you've been here," He half joked "It's good to see you're feeling things again." He gave Hotch a pat on the back who weakly nodded in return. Morgen sat down and leaned to rest his elbows on his knees. "So," he started "Do you remember what happened now?" Morgen asked that first thing every time he saw Reid. Reid usually just asked Morgen the same question and asked again why he was there and why he couldn't leave. Not this time. "I remember we found Morter in his dad's wearhouse, Morgen talked him down, saved that girl." He said "We didn't have any official cases, we worked on a profile for a serial rapist in Denver."

"Is that the last thing you remember?" Morgen asked "Writing that profile?"

"No."

"Do you remember what happened before you...ended up here?"

Reid went quiet again. He felt the shame sink in. He closed his eyes and tears began to well in his eyes again. But he stepped back, he felt himself go numb. Now he could talk about it. "I went home," He said flatly "I just, grabbed the bottle and took them all, I laid down and waited." Morgen felt his chest tighten. _Just like that? _He thought. _Just like that you decided to end it all? _Morgen held back from saying that, he was angry, but being angry with Reid wasn't going to help the kid. "Waited for what?" He asked. Reid shrugged. "To die." He said almost casually.


	2. Chapter 2

_Why use pills? _Morgen thought. It was fairly rare for men to use pills to kill themselves. Especially when he had such easy access to a gun. Women took pills or drowned themselves. Men jumped from buildings or shot themselves. With such easy access to a gun and Reid still chose to swallow pills. Perhaps it was a ridiculous thing to focus on, but Morgen was doing what he knew how to do, build a profile. There had to be more to this. There had to be a reason. People don't walk into their apartment and down a bottle of pills on a whim. And Reid rarely did things on impulse.

"Thats it?" Morgen asked, anger laced into his voice. Reid felt the pain swell in his chest again. He clenched his jaw, trying to keep control. "Thats it." He said impatiently. Morgen opened his mouth to protest, to ask for the truth, but Hotch put a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. "Don't push him." Hotch mouthed. Morgen swallowed hard and pushed himself up. He felt another rush of anger, boiling under the sadness. He didn't know if he was going to cry or yell. So he left. _Reid doesn't need to be yelled at,_ He thought,_ this isn't his fault. _

"This isn't his fault." He repeated it quietly to himself as he poured himself a cup of coffee. As he looked up from the counter littered with sugar packets and non-dairy creamer containers he saw Garcia. He couldn't help but smile as he saw some of the color back in her outfit, although her soft features where still etched with worry. He knew some of that would subside when he told her the news.

"Hey, Baby-Girl," he said warmly, putting an arm around her and giving her a reassuring squeeze. She gave a week smile and nod.

"How is he?" She asked.

"He's talking, his head seems to be clearing up. I don't know how much he remembers, but he's holding back." He sighed and took a sip of his coffee. Garcia looked towards Reid's room. She could see his bed and part of his body, but his face was out of view. Morgen expected some of her worry to subside, maybe a relieved sigh that he was coming out of the fog. She had been so worried that those pills had damaged the Boy-Wonder's incredible brain. But it started to look like he might have a shot at being the old Dr. Reid again. But none of the anxiety or worry melted away from her. If anything she looked like she was tensing up again.

"What's wrong?" Morgen asked, furrowing his brow. Garcia looked back a him as if he had spoken a different language.

"Hmm?" She asked.

"What's wrong?" He asked again "I figured the news would take some of that edge off but you look more worried. Everything okay?"

"I did a thing..." she said softly. Morgen then realized it wasn't worry in her eyes, but guilt as she spoke.

"Look," She started "I don't normally do this kind of thing, because I respect your guys' privacy and I would never want to violate that, but I looked anyways..." She was so speaking quickly, as she was one to do when her guilt took over.

"Just tell me about the thing okay, I know you where trying to help Reid. It's okay."

"I looked into his medical files." She said quickly ringing her hands nervously.

"And?" Morgen asked more concerned for Reid then the breach of privacy.

"He's been in and out of emergency rooms for the past few years."

Morgen forced a laugh and shrugged. "You saw his arms. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the only place he has cuts. He may have needed stitches more then once. None of us know how far this goes." Morgen explained.

"No, it's not that." She shook her head looking back at Reid's room before meeting Morgen's eye again "There where a few stitches, yes, and a few injuries that I know happened on cases, but these..." He eyes welled with tears. "Someone took him to the ER, his boyfriend-"

"Boyfriend?" Morgen asked.

"Yes, move past that lovely," She softly touched his chest "He's been treated for broken and fractured ribs on more than a few occasions." Concern weighing heavily in her voice she continued "Doctors' suspected intimate partner violence, but Reid denied it..."

Morgen didn't know what to say or where to start. Reid had, or has a boyfriend. A possible abusive boyfriend. Morgen felt anger swell in his chest again. How much was this kid hiding?

Reid hadn't spoken since Morgen left. He hadn't even looked at Hotch. He kept his eyes focused on his hands. He had began to pick at a scab on his knuckle. Digging into his skin, looking for some kind of relief. It was only when he reopened the wound and it begun to bleed, Hotch finally took notice of what Reid was doing.

"Reid, stop," He said firmly and calmly grabbing the young agents hands "You could get an infection." Reid let out a frustrated sigh. It hurt, but it wasn't enough. He needed more. He needed to hurt, badly. He wanted to slip away into red hot pain only a proper blade could cause. Hotch looked at him, making direct eye contact. He could see the desperation in Reid eyes, the stress, the pain, the frustration. It weighed heavily on his young face. How long had he looked like this? How had Hotch not noticed his skin dulling and lines under his eyes. Maybe he did on some level and wrote it off as the stress of the job.

"I understand, Reid," Hotch said empathetically, his face softening.

"You don't." Reid stated coldly pulling his hands away from the older agent though he refused to meet Hotch's eyes. He kept his head down strands of light brown hair falling down and cover his expression.

Hotch wanted to protest. To tell Reid that he needed to find a way to open up, to talk about what he felt. But he also knew that he didn't really understand. He knew Reid had a hard time opening up. He also knew that Reid had been living in his own personal hell for quite some time. And there was no way for Hotch to know exactly how long he had been living there. Did it all start with the Tobias and the dilaudid? Or did that just bring all the pain to the surface? And this was the end result?


	3. Chapter 3

"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."

-Ned Vizzini

Garcia and Morgen stood just outside Reid's room. Morgen looking in as Hotch pulled Reid's hands down to keep the kid from hurting himself further.

"I don't think we should bring this up to Reid just yet..." Garcia said softly.

"What?" Morgen half shouted, spinning on his heels to face her "Why?"

Garcia had to force herself not to step back, but the way she jumped sent a wave of guilt over Morgen. He shook his head and turned his eyes to the ground.

"I'm sorry..." He mumbled

"It's okay, it's just..." She took a deep breath, composing herself and continued "Reid didn't come out to us because he wasn't ready, and I just think we should respect that."

"He has to know we support him." Morgen knew on some level Garcia was right, but he wanted answers so desperately, wanted to help the kid, just wanted to do _something. Anything. _

"Reid will come out when he's ready." Garcia said sternly narrowing her eyes.

"This isn't about him coming out, Penelope," Morgen matched her tone "This is about someone hurting the kid." He turned back to look into the room to see Reid pull his hands away from Hotch.

"We need to find out who this guy is..." He muttered mostly to himself. Garcia looked at Morgen confused and slightly upset. She didn't want to be apart of that. She wanted to help Reid, sure, but she already felt so gross digging into his personal life like that. She shook her head and walked briskly past the brooding profiler, knocking gently on the opened door to announce her arrival.

Hotch had excused himself when Garcia arrived. He was exhausted. Although that was his normal state, he found himself particularly drained now. He let out a long sigh as he passed Morgen gesturing him to follow. They both sat in the waiting room with steaming styrofoam cups. For a moment they sat silently as Morgen debated telling Hotch what Garcia had discovered. And as Morgen took a breath to speak up, a high firm voice came from behind him.

"Agent Hotchner." A dark haired woman looking somewhat frazzled asked holding several papers in her hands. Hotch stood and nodded accepting the papers from her.

"These are the results of the tests you wanted."

She was gone by the time Hotch had gotten a "Thank you" out. He simply sat back down and looked through the papers. Morgen searched his face for clues.

"What's that?" Morgen asked.

"I had Reid drug tested." Hotch stated flatly.

"You what?" Morgen said angrily.

Hotch raised his head and cocking an eyebrow.

"Reid got clean." Morgen explained.

"I know," Hotch said his face softening "But I needed to make sure he hadn't started again, I had to make sure the drugs weren't the cause of this." But even as he explained Morgen still seemed angry.

"I'm trying to help him, Derek," He explained "If was back on the drugs we could get him help." He sighed, tossing the papers in the empty seat next to him.

"He's clean." Hotch stated picking up his cup but not taking a sip.

"Hotch," Morgen started "Garcia did some digging..." He didn't seem surprised by this. In times of stress they all when to what they knew. Garcia knew how to get information. And that's exactly what she did.

"Reid's had a lot of trips to the ER."

"And it's not because of the self-mutilation?"

"A few where, but there where also several cases of broken and fractured ribs," Morgen began "he was taken to the ER each time by his boyfriend."

Hotch's expression didn't change. Although he knew Morgen expected it to.

"I think this guy may have been abusing Reid, the Doctors' suspected but Reid denied it." Morgen explained.

"And you want to confront Reid about this?" Hotch asked even though it wasn't really a question. Conversations with Hotch where always direct and he was a damn good profiler. It made it hard to hide intentions from him, much less lie. Morgen just nodded.

"Do you think that's wise?"

"I don't know what else to do, Hotch," Morgen confessed "I don't know how to help. I want answers. I don't want to push him I know he's venerable." He buried his face into his hands. Hotch knew how protective Morgen was of Reid and he knew why. At first Hotch thought he viewed Reid as a little brother. Teasing him unmercifully, but protecting him with his undying loyalty. But when Morgen offered Reid love advice he could see jealousy flair in his eyes, even as he encouraged the younger man to pursue romantic relationships. Sometimes it amazed Hotch how Reid could never pick up on it. Reid could hardly contain his excitement when he discovered that Morgen often talked about about him to his sisters. Hotch watched the two men fall in love with each other without the other knowing it. Dave could see it just as clearly. Even confronting Reid about it at one point. Dave could keep anything secret, but would often spill to Hotch after a few drinks. Reid had talked to Dave at length about how he felt about Morgen. Lamenting that Morgen could only ever see him as a sort of kid brother, and how Morgen was most certainly into women. And he was, but clearly it wasn't to the exclusion of all men.

"I'll have Dave to talk to Reid." Hotch said pushing himself up. Morgen looked up from his hands.

"Hotch, let me talk to him," Morgen pleaded

Hotch looked down at Morgen. His expression compassionate but firm.

"I don't think that's best, You're too close." Hotch was being deliberately unclear. Not wanting to drudge this up now. But his vagueness just frustrated Morgen.

"What the hell does that mean?" Morgen protested.

Hotch narrowed his eyes. Allowing the silence to hang before he decided to be direct. Being delicate didn't appear to be working.

"You're in love with Reid." Hotch said stoically.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."

-Neil Gaiman


End file.
